Anti Yaoi
by The-Amazing-Me
Summary: I offer no apologies at all. If you don't like Yaoi, you should read this. If you do like Yaoi, you should definatley read this.


Disclaimer-I own nuffin.

In the lounge that was never seen in FF7 but was on the Highwind nonetheless, Cid, Barrett, Vincent, and Cloud were all relaxing. Barrett was sitting on an armchair, staring blankly ahead at the bolts arranged onto the walls directly in front of him. Cloud was sharpening his massive sword, and shining the sides to a healthy glow. Vincent sat silently off on his own in the corner, his eyes closed and in deep thought. Cid had recently discovered the internet, and was flitting through webpages at amazing speed thanks to his new (SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISEMENT) DSL highspeed with Msn 6.0 connection. For a half an hour or so, nobody said anything and all was silent, except for the occasional clicking of Cid or the squeak of Cloud waxing the side of his sword. After some more time, Cid muttered to himself "... the # is this...", after he had clicked one of the links on his screen. Despite Cid's muttering to himself, Barrett heard him and asked "What the #!$ is what?".

"Nothing" Cid replied, and for a while there wasn't any clicking at all. Cid was staring intently at the screen, with a rapidly unamused look growing upon his face. Another half an hour or so passed without event. Cloud had put down his sword, and after looking around for something new decided to shine his shoulder pad. Barrett had moved from looking at the wall to the floor, and Vincent hadn't so much as breathed irregularly. Once again, Cid broke the silence, but this time it was actually directed to the people around him. "Do any of you know what 'yaoi' is?"

"Sound's like some Chinese or somethin..." Barrett replied, not even looking up from the floor, "I aint no damn linguist."

"Me neither," Cloud added, gazing intently at his own reflection in his shoulder pad. Vincent remained silent, his arms crossed across his chest.

Cid suddenly jumped up from his chair, and stared disgusted at the screen. "Oh my goddamn mother( god! Yaoi must be Japanese for gay, cuz there are all these stories written about it! And here's the most &#$ up part of it all, they have US in it!"

"Are you kidding me?" Cloud got up off the couch, and re-attaching his shoulder pad, walked over to the computer screen. Barrett soon followed.

"Here, look at this..." Cid spat, and clicked one of the links on the massive collection of fan written stories with "yaoi" in the summary. Cloud's eyes darted back and forth across the screen, quickly at first, but soon slowing down until he stopped completley, and looked away in disgust. Barrett continued reading after Cloud had looked away, moving at a slower pace from the start, his lips moving along with every word he read. He didn't even get as far as Cloud, before he stamped his foot, and smacked the side of the computer monitor.

"What the HELL!? Don't these people even know about me? I have a (&$ing kid for Christ's sake, how can I possibly be gay? I had a wife and do have a &#(()ing kid! What the fuck!?" Barrett exploded, and punched the wall. This was enough to arouse even Vincent's attention, and he opened one eye, peeping through the dark hair covering his face.

"Calm down, it's not the truth so don't worry about it," Vincent said with a small smile crossing his pale face, "Do you not know about artistic licence? Everyone has a right to say what they want... even if it includes you being gay."

"Oh ho! I aint the only one pretty boy. You think your scrawny ass avoided the yaoi fire? Hah! You're usually the girly half of all of them encounters!" Barrett countered, and even managed a bitter laugh at someone else's misfortune. Vincent was silent for a few moments, and then rose up off the couch, gliding slowly past Cloud and Cid, who were still flabbergasted at their own 'adventures'. Vincent thanks to his amazing scientific enhancements was able to read the entire page in a matter of seconds. With one swift motion, he pulled his gun from under his cape, and blasted a crater into the middle of the computer screen. "Disgusting..." he whispered, and sat down on the couch again, closing his eyes, "The one, and only person that I love is Lucretia. Only in my wildest fantasies have I even dreamed of caressing her soft body. The thought of the gentle touch of anyone else, lest of all someone of a different gender, is lunacy."

The room sunk into silence again, the computer screen occasionally sparking or ejecting a small puff of smoke. Nobody looked at anyone else, and instead focused their efforts on small objects of little importance, just to occupy their bodies while their minds reeled.

"Y'know..." Cloud started, "I burned that dress from the Don's Mansion the second I was out of that place... and I only did it to save Tifa, who by the way, is a woman..." Barrett nodded in approval of this defense, and Cid lit up a (SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISEMENT) Marlboro Cigarette, and enjoyed its satisfyingly smooth filtered flavor.

"Well, let's just all agree right now..." Cid said, "None of us are gay, or would ever really take place in any yaoi activities. Anything ever written beyond this is an entire falsehood, and should be destroyed before it was even typed out."

"Yeah." Barrett said, his voice empty and flat.

"Of course," Cloud said, with a sort of forced enthusiasm.

"Agreed," Vincent simply stated.

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Flame away. I love it.

-The Amazing Me


End file.
